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January 8, 2013

The man with three balls

So there’s this man who has three balls, and being reasonably concerned about it he goes to see his doctor. Sorry, says the doctor, I can’t do anything for you, but I can give you the name of a psychiatrist who can make you feel better about it. So he goes to see the shrink, who tells him, “what are you worried about, you are very privileged to have three, most of us only have two!”. The man leaves feeling really proud of himself, and is bursting to tell someone about his attributes. Five minutes later he’s on a bus, and he finds himself sitting next to Messi. “Do you know”, he says to Leo, “that between us we have five balls!”. “Why?”, says Messi, “do you only have one?”. (Goran says he thinks the joke works better leaving out Messi, but what the heck!).

December 31, 2012

Home at last!

Hello everyone, it’s me, Borja Pantzov, here with my intrepid sidekick Goran Arsic! We’re sure you were all wondering why our reports from Ukraine suddenly stopped in the middle of the last summer’s Euro finals, just as it was getting interesting! Truth is our money ran out, and we were caught trying to sneak out of our motel near Lviv en-route to Donetsk for the quarter finals. It turns out that the motel is owned by an in-famous gangster called Al Kazeltza, and he tells us that we must work off our bills or end up as Chicken Kiev in one of his restaurants! With interest at 1,000% that means it will take six months to do so, so Goran takes a job in the bar and I am told to work for room service, which means taking meals up to guests and also cleaning shoes which are left out at night. Anyway, two days before we are finally due to pay off our debt Mr. Kazeltza is staying there, but when I go to pick up his brand new shoes from outside of his room I am horrified to see that the house cat has ruined them! When the boss finds out he is livid (or lvivid as they say in this part of Ukrainia), and his bodyguard Ivor Kaleshnikov tells me that I have 24 hours to find the culprit, or it’s another six months of hard labour! Goran sets a trap for the moggy though, and the following evening I knock on the boss’s door with the animal in tow. “Well?” he asks, “are yuh gonna sing me a song?” “Yeah”, I say, “…pardon me Al, is this the cat who chewed yer new shoes……”

June 23, 2012

We’re through the group stage!

So, first bit of the job done, and we are through to the quarter finals! The whole thing is taking it’s toll on the laundry bills though, and we have spent half the day looking for a self service laundrette here in Gdansk to wash our long suffering interior clothes. In the end we have to wash them ourselves by the side of the port with some soap powder (we hope it is that!) which we bought in the local supermarket, and as we are walking away we see two fishing boats sinking in the water. Goran says we should never have gone to that Curry House straight after a match like that! Read more »

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